Bill Gates' Cybersurprise: Brother Paul <ex H-PCAACA@msu.edu>
Computers Across Nation Fall Victim To
Chairman Bill's "Windows 95" Cybersurprise
(Samizdat OnLine News Service---------) Personal, educational,
government, and business computer users got the surprise of their
lives today when they booted up the much-advertised "Windows 95"
program on their machines and were greeted by the face of a grinning
Bill Gates telling them in no uncertain terms how things were going
to be from now on.
"Greetings from the brave new world of Microsoft, Incorporated,"
Gates began, and then advised computer users across the country
of the following new realities:
1) Now that "Windows 95" is installed on their machines, they will be
locked out of them (except to view repeat performances of
Chairman Bill's message) until they provide Microsoft with all of
their credit card numbers so that all future computer use can be
billed at a nominal hourly rate.
2) The new Microsoft National Computer Network is even now
reviewing their computer's hardware and software resources, and
will be sending users the upgrade materials it deems necessary,
which it will be billing to the credit card numbers provided.
The minimum upgrade cost is expected to be no less than $500, and
no more than $2,000, with an average in the reasonable
neighborhood of $1,250.
3) Those who have not purchased "Windows 95" and signed on to
the Microsoft National Computer Network by October 1, 1995 will
be denied the right to purchase it or sign on to the MNCN
thereafter.
4) Hourly rates for computer usage will be based on computations
made by staff of the MNCN, and will be based on a formula much
too complex for any of you to understand. "The anarchy of the
nation's computer system now poses an unacceptable threat both to
the security of our country and the interests of the Microsoft
corporation," Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates said in a press
release. "Our decision was that bringing the nation's computing
activities under the protective supervision of our network will
prevent us from descending into cyberchaos. We also anticipate,
since the computers of the Department of Justice, including all
Federal Courts, have purchased the 'Windows 95' system, that we
can now put our legal problems behind us and move forward to the
next millennium with confidence that the nation's computational
infrastructure is secure."
Scattered pockets of resistance to "Windows 95" were reportedly
forming among groups of Neo-Luddites who have so far resisted the
pressure to purchase the new system. The two main resistance groups
call themselves "The 3.1 Militia" and "The DOS Posse." Authorities
give them little chance of staying online once the October 1
purchase/registration deadline is past.
Paul Somerville
<Brothrpaul@AOL.COM>
August 24, 1995